Who Wants to be a Millionaire

A married couple was watching the show, “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” At the end of the show, the man said to his wife, “I think we will have an early night.”

She answered, “Okay, but when I get to bed I am going straight to sleep.”

Bad Stomach Complaint

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

A Drink for the Ballerina

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed; “Give the ballerina a drink!”

English Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences – no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

The Stewed Parrot

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, “And why don’t you get me a whiskey you bitch.”

Doctor’s Orders

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it,”He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Unintended Consequences

Joe is telling his pal Rick his troubles:

“You know that new girl at work, the one I’ve been wanting to ask out?” he asks.

“Yeah, what about her?” Rick replies.

“Well, every time I see her, I get an instant erection, and have to

turn away to hide it.”

“That’s rough.  Why don’t you try taping your dick to your leg … then it won’t

show?” Rick suggests.

Joe agrees this is a great idea; Rick even loans him a roll of duct tape.

A few days later, they meet again:

“Well, I called her and asked her out, and she said yes,” Joe reports.

“That’s great!”

“So I get to her house, walk up to her door, and she answers it wearing a short,

sheer dress.”

“Great!  How’d it go?”

Joe slumps down in his chair.  ”I kicked her in the face.”

Joe is telling his pal Rick his troubles: ”You know that new girl at work, the one I’ve been wanting to ask out?” he asks.

“Yeah, what about her?” Rick replies.

Take my Advice

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home
late, no matter how she tried to stop him. “Take my advice,” said the
neighbour, “and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o’clock in
the morning, and from my bed, I called out :’Is that you, Jim ?’ And that
cured him.” “Cured him!” asked the woman, “but how ?” The neighbour said,
“You see, his name is Bill.”