Headstones

A Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

Old Fart

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

East and West

A lady from Chicago was visiting New York City. Her hostess was determined to make the Midwesterner feel cheap and unimportant. “My dear,” said the New York matron snobbishly, “here in the East we think breeding is everything.”

Oh, I don’t know, the lady from the Midwest replied. “Out where I come from we think it’s fun, too, but we try to have a few outside interests as well.”

Black Panties

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly calls her and urges her to get back into the world.

Child or Husband?

Did you hear about the man who called the doctor and said excitedly, “My pregnant wife’s contractions are only two minutes apart!”

The doctor asked, “Is this her first child?”

“No, you idiot! ” exclaimed the man. “This is her husband.”

Pregnant Signs

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.

Blacksmith

An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. “Don’t ask me a lot of questions,” he told the boy. “Just do whatever I tell you to do.”

Manhood Refill

After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his just spent energy.

Deodorant

A blonde, goes into a drugstore, walks over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk “I need to buy some deodorant for my husband.”

“Does he use the ball kind?” inquired the clerk.

“No,” replied the blonde, “The kind for under his arms.”

Irish Baby

An Irishman’s wife is having a baby so he rushes her to the hospital. After a long wait and a tough delivery about 3 AM in which the doctor had to use forceps the baby is finally born.

The Irishman looks at the baby and says, “Yeah that’s my boy. That’s the way an Irishman is supposed to look at three in the morning.”

At the Grandparents

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

Stick-Up

The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter.

One nervous blonde pulled off her clothes and lay down on the floor facing upwards.

“Turn over, Cindy,” whispered the girl lying beside her. “This is a stick-up, not an office party!”

Job Request

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer fresh out of Stanford, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

Gorilla in Heat

A certain zoo had aquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: She was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

Signs That You Are Too Drunk

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Doc, Help!

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

Play Through

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. “Please dear, I need help.” she said.

Remedy for Sunburn

A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical weather, settled down for a day’s sunbathing. He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sunburned beyond belief.

Anglo Drinkers

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverages, three flies flew up and one landed in each pint, getting stuck in the thick head.

Historical Wife

A man complains to a friend, “I can’t take it anymore.”

“What’s wrong?” his concerned friend asks.

The Business Executive and The Secretary

A business executive named Witherspoon went on a convention and took along his secretary. They arrived at the hotel very late in the evening and were told that all the rooms were taken except one, and it was a single. “No problem,” replied Mr. Witherspoon, “just put a cot in there for me and we’ll share the room.”

Medical Examination

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor’s office. “We have come for an examination” said the young girl.

Blowing Chunks

Three guys are sitting in the pub with hangovers from the night before.

The first guy says “I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning with my pajamas on over my clothes!”

True Confession

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice.”

Perfect Mate

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. “The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and stay home at night!”

An old granny overheard and spoke up, “Honey, if that’s all you want, get a TV!”

Perceptive Waitress

After finishing a grand lunch at a local restaurant, an accountant placed three pennies on the table as his tip. The man got up to leave just as the waitress, who served his meal, approached his table. The waitress, seeing the miserly tip, muttered something that made the man pause in his tracks…

Moose Hunting

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot it.

Foul-mouth Breakfast

A six year old and a four year old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the six year old. “I think it’s about time we started cussing.” The four year old nods his head in approval.

Blonde Telegram

A blonde goes into a telegram office to send a message to her mother who is visiting relatives overseas. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims, “I don’t have any money, but I would do anything to get a message to my mother.”

Hear No Evil, See No Evil

On a really hot day, four nuns were assigned to paint a room in their church. After sweating for a few hours in those black robes, they decided to take off all their clothes and paint naked.

Insanity In Family

Alice: Has there been any insanity in your family?

Mary: Yeah, my husband thinks he is the boss.

Farts Defined

Art Fart: It’s such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.

Arrogant Fart: When you think your farts don’t stink.

Assault Fart: A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.

On Vacation

Mr. Clemens was vacationing on a riverboat casino on the Mississippi with his wife. By the second day, they were already fighting.

Moving the Furniture

A well off young man was moving from one street to another, a few streets away.

On Ducks and Condoms

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, “Oh, we haven’t got any condoms. I’ll ring down to room service.” He calls and asks for some condoms.

Use of Towel Heads

Recently I received a warning about the use of the above politically incorrect term. Please note: we all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words.

Disgracing the Family

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the gramdmother says, “Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys.”

Pour Me a Stiff One

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

Comment From Loyal Staff

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On the last day of his work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so he can remember how his staff ‘miss’ him.

Disability Proof

A man walked out of the Social Security Office smiling. “Honey, I finally convinced them I’m old enough to collect Social Security, even though I don’t have a birth certificate.”

Anytime You Are Ready

A man walked into a tavern and sat next to a very attractive, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. “Hi there, Good Looking. How’s it going?” he asked.

Dumb Jock

The huge college freshman figured he’d try out for the football team. “Can you tackle?” asked the coach.

MailMan

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.

Bribes

A meek little man was hauled into court and stood shamefully before the judge, who asked him to explain the situation.

Sense of Humor

A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?”

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humor.”

The World’s Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl “Will you marry me?”

The girl said, “No!“

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

The Breakup

A daughter broke-up with her boyfriend. She asked her Mother’s advice about returning the gifts he’d given her. Without a pause, her Mother replied,

“Send back the stuffed animals and letters, but keep the jewelry for sentimental reasons.”

Pinhead

A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another patron a few stools away. The guy had a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger, but his head was the size of a thimble.

Marketing

Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense….

Testosterone

A woman went to her doctor for a followup visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

In the Museum

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said. “My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?”

Predicted Period

A newly wed settled in an apartment and husband started his job. He came back from the work in the evening and noticed his sexy wife was missing. He started searching, phoned all friends and acquaintances, drove all around but no success.

Reaffirmation

Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights so long that the protective shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, “Man, I look like a clown.”

Never Anger Your Nurse

A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

Tough Teacher

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

Small World

Two guys are playing golf. The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men down.

Written Words

Once there were two farmers. One had a daughter and the other had a son. When their kids were teenagers they started dating, and the two farners encouraged it. But, one day the girl’s father went over to the other farmer’s house and said that he didn’t want their children dating anymore.

Bear Advisory

The Forest Service has issued a BEAR WARNING in the national forests for this summer. They’re urging everyone to protect themselves by wearing bells and carrying pepper spray.

French Deer

Ted Nugent, a heavy metal guitar legend and devoted (bow) hunter and outdoorsman, was being interviewed by a French journalist.

I Said What I Said

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”

Contact Number

We telemarketers know we’re universally loathed. Still, some people are quite pleasant on the phone. One day I called a number and asked to speak with Mr. Morgan.

How Wrong Can a Guy Be?

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, “Am I the first man you ever made love to?”

She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying.

“You might be,” she says. “Your face looks familiar.”

Guard Dog

In a town filled with crime, a young married couple were worried after 3 of their neighbours had been burgled. They decided they should get a guard dog.

Change Sides

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cuts a fart and says, “Seven points.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”

Another Chance

One day, several blondes went and had a meeting in a small building because they were fed up with everyone calling them dumb. The person who was hosting the meeting was not blonde. The blondes said to the host “We’re tired of being called dumb and we want to prove that were are not.”

Stone

These three boys were walking home from school. All of a sudden, they saw a naked lady sunbathing so of course, they stopped to look. Then, right out of the blue, one of the kids takes off running.

Worthy Rules of Life

Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.

Things Men Know

Men know that Mother Nature’s best aphrodisiac is still a naked women.

Men know that PMS is Mother Natures way of telling you to get out of the house.

The Psychic

Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt – prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Tiny Penis

A man goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, I’ve got this problem you see, only you’ve got to promise not to laugh.”

It Begins … Soon

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

No More Worries

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Infinite Choices

The college faculty were in their annual meeting when, suddenly, an angel appears. Turning to the Dean, the creature said, “I will grant you one of three boons — infinite wisdom, infinite wealth or infinite health.”

How to Give Your Cat a Pill

A step by step guide.

Can’t You Read?

Three guys are walking home drunk. As they pass a graveyard one says, “Look at this guy — he lived to be 85 years old.” The other says, “Oh yeah? This guy lived to be 95.” Then the third one says, “Well, this guy lived to be 230!!”

“Wow! What’s his name?” the other two ask.

“Miles to New York,” he replies.

Management Wants Answers

Question: How many feet do mice have?
Original Reply: Mice have four feet.
Mgmt comment: Elaborate.

Natural Childbirth

This sounds a lot like an urban myth, but my brother-in-law tells me that this happened to the wife of someone he works with. I must admit that I’m a bit skeptical but its certainly worth a chuckle.

Is the Cat There?

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving 20 blocks from the house and leaving the cat at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

Before and After

“Before I married my wife,” a husband once said, “it was nothing but wine, women, and song.”

“Now that I’m her husband, it’s beer, mama, and TV.”

Social Workers

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood.

Horse Racing Exploits

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

Dirty Magazines

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late – again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon’s quarters and they had to police the area.

New US Stamp

The United States Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of President George W. Bush to honor his first term achievements.

Difficult Question

There were these three nuns that were killed in a traffic accident, and immediately sent to the Pearly Gates. As St. Peter was looking over their files, he said, “You ladies have been very good, but before I can let you in, you have to answer a question.” So he asks the first nun, “What was the name of the first man that God created?”

Roads we Take

Style and fashion intrude into all walks of our lives. Two fellows who had been rivals all their lives followed different career paths. One eventually became an Admiral in the Navy, the other went into the Catholic Church and became a Bishop.

Three’s a Crowd

What do you call a woman in heaven? An Angel.

A crowd of woman in heaven? A host of Angels.

And all woman in heaven? PEACE ON EARTH!

Lie Detecting Mirror

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If you stand in front of the mirror and tell the truth, you are granted a wish. However, if you tell a lie – you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

Nun Shall Pass

Two nuns were driving along the road, and see a man exposing himself. “Holy Mother of God!”, exclaimed the Mother Superior. “Sister! Show him your cross!”

So the other nun winds down the window, leans out and shouts “Fuck Off!”

Communists in England

During his recent visit to the UK, Mikhail Gorbachev was taken on a tour of a typical British factory by the Iron Lady, Margaret Thatcher. The tour started at 9:00 AM and the factory was just starting to fill with employees.

Performing Pussy

A guy is sitting on a train opposite a blond girl when he notices she has no panties on & can’t help staring. She notices and says “You’re staring at my pussy. Would you believe that it can perform?”

Tricking the Bull

At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, “That new bull nearly did me in today, partner.”

“Oh yeah, what happened?”

Father of my Child

A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when an attractive woman behind him said, “Hello!”

Best Friend with Wife

It seems that a man was brought to criminal cort for the murder of his wife.

Support a Family

The prospective father-in-law asked, “Young man, can you support a family?”

The surprised groom-to-be replied, “Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.”

Hard Way

As the manager of our hospital’s softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season.

When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.

“Look, honey,” one man said to his wife. “Here comes your anesthesiologist.”

Care to go Upstairs?

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

“Care to go upstairs and do it?” the husband asked.

Sex Life Problems

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn’t seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.

New Words and Definitions

Alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition.

Act of God

The new minister’s wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.

Old Man and Cinema

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.

A Pig Story

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

Stuttering Kitten

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter”, she says.

Never Tell a Lie

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, “What are you doing with that dog?”

Other Side

A blonde goes out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

“Yoohoo” she shouts, “how can I get to the other side?”

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, “You are already on the other side.”

Aggressive Driver

For years my husband denied he was an aggressive driver. That changed one day when we were out for a drive with our three-year old son, Matthew.

Thanks for Nothing, Doc

Bob went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under … you gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”

Where Are We?

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee,

Speedy Father

My father always loved fast cars. Taking advantage of the empty roads one morning, he accelerated down a wide-open stretch.

Say it with Flowers

A gentleman was lured into a busy florist shop by a large sign in the window that read, “Say It With Flowers.”

Punishment

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, “What did you steal?”

She replied, “A can of peaches.”

Missing Baggage

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.

“Now,” she asked me, “has your plane arrived yet?”

Juice Filter

Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. Anyway there was this young nurse. Everytime she came in, she talked to him like a little child. She would say in a patronising tone of voice “And how are we doing this morning?”

Cigars For The Judge

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.”

“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.

Small Bill to Pay

A guy got a credit card bill stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it but next month he got another one stating they were going to cancel his credit card if he didn’t send them $0.00. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a glitch and told him they’d take care of it.

Water Pistol

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

Leftovers

One day Adam and Eve looked up and saw God standing there holding a bag.

“Hi, God. What’s in the bag?” asked Eve.

The Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

Endearments

Bernie was invited to his friend’s home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

A Day in Court

A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions.

“You witnessed the robbery, sir?”

One of Us

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?”

Three Pregnant Women

Three pregnant women are sitting in a cafe having lunch, when one of them says, “I know that I’m going to have a boy.”

Politeness on a Bus

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.

Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.

Walking Economy

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, “You know, Benny’s a walking economy.”

His friend replies, “How so?”

“His hair line is in recession, his stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting him into a deep depression.”

Dog Food Diet

I have two dogs and I was buying a large bag of Pal (Dog Food) at Big W and standing inline at the check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

Pig!

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

Sleeping Pills

An exhausted looking blond dragged herself in to the doctor’s office. “Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.”

The Birds, The Bees and The Cow

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes, taking in the whole event.

Lawyer in an Accident

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A lawyer, passing by, wanted to grab this possibility of getting a new client. However, try as he might, he could not get near the car because of the crowd.

iTit

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants.

Channel Tunnel

An Englishman and a Frenchman are discussing the Channel Tunnel.

The Frenchman is saying how wonderful it is that this co-operative venture is taking place, and that he never expected the English to go to such trouble to be united to the mainland of Europe.

“Oh that’s nothing,” says the Englishman, “You should have seen the trouble we had digging the Channel in the first place!”

Avoid a Speeding Fine

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

Super-Children

“Mr. Goldblatt,” announced little Joey, “there’s something I can’t figure out.”

“What’s that, Joey?” asked Goldblatt.

Buying Aspirins

Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins.

Costume Party

Sam and Susan were invited to a costume party. Susan went out and rented costumes for the both of them. However, when the time came for the party, Susan wasn’t feeling well and Sam went on alone.

One Night of Sin

There were three pious monks. These monks were so pious, in fact, that the head abbot decided one day to reward their devotion by granting them each one night of sin, on the condition that they confess their activities to him at the end of the night.

Addicted to Cigar

A man went to his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

License Photo

When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

Second Opinion

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, “You aren’t that good in bed either!”

Three Kicks Law

Jonnie Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property.

Tracks

Three blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing about what kind of tracks they were.

Perfect Pet

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.

The owner says, “How about a dog?”

Out of Office

Here are some nice ‘Out of Office’ replies worth trying.

Blonde Mom?

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at ‘Mom’ and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.

Skinny Dippers

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

Red Indian Names

A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, “Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names – Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?”

Nurse Nancy

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.

K9 Unit

Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said, “Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them.”

Cautious Old Lady

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

Honeymoon Trip

John and Jane got married. They planned to honeymoon in Jane’s aunt’s place. They caught a bus that was filled with deer hunters.

Honeymoon Fishing

A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

Forget Heaven, Go to Hell

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood curdling screams.

Funny But Real Headlines

Lets take a look at the very funny and apparently real headlines from 2007 (Someone else has done the commentary).

Dining Etiquette

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Santa’s Checkride

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

Coming out of the Closet

A young man, in the course of his college life, came to terms with his homosexuality and decided to “come out of the closet”. His plan was to tell his mother first; so on his next home visit, he went to the kitchen, where his mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon.

Health Questions and Answers

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it … don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

What’s the Difference?

A little girl and and a little boy are arguing about differences between the sexes, he arguing that boys are inherently better and she that girls are. The subject, of course, spills over into the personal realm, so that the real issue is which of the two children is superior.

Police Quotes

“The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

Late Night Phone Call

It was the middle of the night, so I was pretty jarred when the phone rang.

In a sleepy, grumpy voice I barked “hello!” The young woman on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

Do You Know Him?

Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand – a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

A Hard Thing to Give Up

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren’t too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Big Time Lawyer

After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him. “Show him right in!” our lawyer replied.

Mohel’s Reward

A mohel decides to retire after many years in business. He has this huge jar of clippings that he’s collected over the years. He doesn’t know what to do with them so he goes to a taxidermist.

Encountering a Snake the Military Way

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

Seven Dwarves

The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near the rear and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden, Dopey stands up and says, “Priest, are there any midget nuns in the church?”

Microsoft Crimes

My friend Jan Lewis, one of Microsoft’s earliest employees, provides this helpful translation of Judge Jackson’s 43-page opinion into “Windowese”:

“You have performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.”

The Birds and the Bees

Morris asks his son, aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears.

Snake Eyes

An old snake goes to see his Doctor. “Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can’t see very well these days.” The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two weeks.

Upmanship

An Australian, a Frenchman and an Italian are talking about married life.

Black Minister

What do u call a black priest?

– Holy shit!!

Golfing Troubles

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, “Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don’t knock out any windows. It’ll cost us a fortune to fix.”

ATM Usage

Chase is very pleased to announce that we are installing new Drive-thru ATMs where customers will be able withdraw cash without leaving their vehicle. (Other accounts can also utilize this facility) Male and Female procedures have been tailored to best reflect the behaviors of those particular groupings.

Blind Pilots

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.

Do Me a Service?

Mantle, with several friends, was out looking for a place to hunt. They pulled into a farmer’s yard, and Mantle got out and went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt.

The Ploughs Must Get Through

One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through.” Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car.

Constipated Construction Worker

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I’m constipated, and nothing seems to help!”

The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, “Lean over the table.”

Men and Dogs

Why do men chase girls they have no intention of marrying?

– The same reason that dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Some Definitions

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

Yesterday’s Excitement

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for little Johnny to give his report, he walked to the front of the class and made a small white dot on the blackboard.

Quite Sporting of You

During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, “Hey, you almost hit my wife.”

“Did I?” cried the hunter, aghast. “Terribly sorry. Have a shot at mine, over there.”

Some Things You Can’t Explain

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”

The farmer shook his head and replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”

Short-term Memory Loss

Three ladies are chatting about growing old.

Terminal Irishman

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, “I’ve got some bad news for you … you have the cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.”

Going to the Bank

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

Gay Spiders

Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. “Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?”

“They’re mating, Lucy” he replied.

Sex with Mom

Three guys are sitting in a bar, another guy walks in and points to the guy in the middle and says, “Hey you! I just screwed your mom and it was soooo great!”

Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Formal Address

A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.

Men vs. Women

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Pecker and Schmucko.

Specialist’s Fee

A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical problem. After the visit the man asks, “How much do I owe you?”

“My fee is five hundred dollars,” replies the physician.

Demonstration of Commitment

The Marine three-star general was giving the new recruits his patented indoctrination lecture on commitment to the cause.

“I demand commitment from my men! Do you even think you know the meaning of the word? I’ll show you!”

Gorilla Removal Service

A man found a gorilla in his backyard, up a tree. He looked in the Yellow Pages under “Gorilla Removal Service,” and sure enough, there was one listing. They sent a man out, armed with nothing but a stick, a pair of handcuffs, a shotgun and a Chihuahua.

Professor’s Brain

A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about God’s existence. The professor presented the following logic:

When Johnny Comes Home Marching High

The reporter met the troop ship bring back demobilized soldiers after World War II. He wanted to write a human interest story, and asked one soldier, “What’s the first thing you’ll do when you get home?”

Money on the Side

What happened to a Brighton Beach prostitute who had an appendectomy performed by a Soviet emigre surgeon?

– He sewed up the wrong hole, so now she’s making money on the side.

Operator 28

An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, “Operator, giff me beck the party!”

Black Eye

First man: How’d you get that black eye?

Second man: I called some woman a two-bit whore.

First man: She punched you?

Second man: Nope. She hit me with her bag of quarters.

Martian Swingers

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

Wrong Compliments

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom. “Suzy wants to go out to my car. She’s really hot,” one boy said. “I’m really nervous. I know I’ll goof up!”

“Take it easy,” his friend assured him. “All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complemented. You’ll have her in the palm of your hand.”

Bottom Deodorant

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a bottom deodorant. “Sorry, we don’t sell bottom deodorant,” the pharmacist replies, struggling to keep from laughing.

“But I always buy it here,” the blonde says. “I bought one last month”.

Drunken Stupa

There is man sitting in a bar who is really, really drunk. When the bar closes he gets up to go home.

Confucius Says

Passionate kiss like spider’s web — soon lead to undoing of fly.

Who’s the Boss?

When man was created, all parts of the body argued who should be boss.

Polish Sausage

A guy goes into a store and asks the clerk, “I want some Polish sausage.”

The clerk takes a long look at him. “Are you Polish?”

X Marks the Spot

Every day of their vacation, these two guys rented a boat and fished. One day they caught thirty fish. Joe said, “Moe, mark this spot so that we can come back here tomorrow!”

The Whole Truth

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” even when you don’t know anything.

Can You Guess My Profession?

A man flying a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces altitude and sees a man below. He shouts, “Excuse me. Where am I?”

The man below says, “You’re in a hot air balloon about 30 feet above this field.”

Bad Habits

Once a man was waiting for a taxi.

A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.

Golfing Nun

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. “I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.”

“When did you use this awful language?” asks the elder.

Perfect Gift

A married man was talking to his buddy, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday, she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”

The Differences Between Men and Women

Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.

They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

Dumb Husband

A man arrives home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

Sinner

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, “Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”

The Priest says, “Is that you, Tommy?”

Army of the Lord

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

Bumper Sticker Quotes

Jesus loves you … everyone else thinks you’re an ass.

Love at a Fence

A couple have been married forty years and are revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. As they are driving through the secluded countryside, they pass a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.

Chicken and Egg

A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.

Speed Thrills

What did the snail say when he climbed on the turtle?

– “Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!”

Bumper Sticker

The blond haired wife of a Southern Baptist preacher talks to her Sunday School class about a wonderful religious experience that she had last week.

Wife’s Revenge

Three women are discussing their husbands.

A Cure for Little Johnny

Little Johnny’s father was distressed with his son’s preoccupation with breasts. His son would repeatedly point to attractive girls and whisper, “Hey, Dad, look at the knockers on that one!”

Charity Begins at Home

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer, so a volunteer was sent to solicit his donation. “Sir, you have a successful law practice. You must be worth millions. Surely you could give back a little to your community through The United Way.”

Letter to the Management

Dear Sir,

I hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

Role Reversal

Several years before the Gulf War, a female journalist did a story on gender roles in Kuwait. She noted that there it was customary for women to walk ten feet behind their husbands. After the war, she returned to Kuwait and was pleased to observe that now the men walked 10 feet behind their wives.

Tired Soldier

Mr. Larsen’s new secretary was young, sweet, and very polite. One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. She didn’t want to embarrass him, so she waited until she was leaving his office before saying, “Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open.”

Three Envelopes

The departing CEO of a high-tech company held a private meeting with his new replacement. He presented his successor with three numbered envelopes.

“If you run into a problem you just can’t solve, open one of these,” he said.

Needles are not Nice

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

“Why are you crying?” Bob asked.

Elephant Oneliners

Q: Who weighs 6000 pounds and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant

The Bird Dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

The Smart Fool

A man on trial in the Fourth Judicial district of Tennessee had previously pleaded “not guilty.” However, once the jury, eight women and four men, had been seated and the trial was under way, the defendant switched his plea.

Drunks from Ireland

“Can I buy you a drink?” said one drunk to another.

“Sure,” came the reply.

The Offer

A man and a woman were guests at a party. They had been eyeing each other all night. Finally, the man walked up to the woman and asked, “Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?”

Dead Wife, Broken Boat

Joe and John were twin brothers. John’s wife died the same day that Joe’s boat sank.

Fixit Blondie

A blond left her car out in a hail storm. When the storm was over she checked the car and found out it was covered with small dents. She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem.

Medical Terminology

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

Post-Marriage Rules

A macho man married a beautiful young thing. On their honeymoon, he laid down the rules.

Stupid Wives

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.

Made in Japan

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.

A Message for the Manager

An attractive woman walked up to the bar in a quiet country saloon and gestured alluringly to the bartender. He leaned over the bar, she brought her face close to his, and she gently caressed his full bushy beard.

Watch and Learn

Three Jews and three Muslims are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three Muslims each buy a ticket and watch as the three Jews buy just one ticket.

“How are the three of you going to travel on one ticket?” asks one of the Muslims. “Watch and learn,” answers one of the Jews.

Newton’s Laws of Love

Universal Law: Love can neither be created nor be destroyed, only it can transfer from one girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money.

Hong Kong Dong

On a business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a Geisha girl. Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird green, festering sore growing on his manhood. He went to the doctor, Dr. Jones, who, after hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation. Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion.

Lawyer’s Dilemma

A woman walks into a law firm and asks to see one of the attorneys. She explains to him that she would like to put the firm on retainer and after a brief discussion they agree that she will begin by paying the firm $500.

Feminine Geography

Between the ages of 18 – 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Barometer

Three women always hang their laundry in their backyards. Often two of the women’s laundry gets wet, but it seems like Sophie’s laundry never gets wet.

Two and One

A ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:

Please Forward This

I want to thank all my friends and other unknown people who have forwarded chain letters to me for the past 5 years.

Egg Timer

Mack: You know Jack, I made love to my wife last night for the first time in two months!

My Past Jobs

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.

In the Elevator

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.

Notice to all Employees

TO ALL EMPLOYEES

We’ve just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office. Five of the six have been apprehended.

Expert Comments

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

Ten Pints

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The Job Test

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Camel Usage

A very respected Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, “Why is a camel tied to the barracks?”

A Longer Life

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. He decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation,he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

The Case of the Burning Cigars

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of two dozen very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things.

Casual Day

Memo No. 1:

Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Missing Cock Rooster

The priest of a small Irish village was very fond of the ten chickens (plus one cock rooster) he kept in a hen house behind the parish manse. One Saturday night, the cock rooster was missing, and as that was the time the priest suspected cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to say something about it at church the next morning.