George W. Bush, Vladimir Putin, and Bill Gates were called in by God to heaven one day.
“I am appalled at the way that humankind have degenerated and the world trashed since the days of Adam,” He thundered. “I have called you here because you represent the most powerful and important people on earth today. Here is the ultimatum: clean up the world in three days and form a better society, or I will destroy the world!” Read the rest of this entry »
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Read the rest of this entry »
The kindergartners were now in first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. Read the rest of this entry »
The world’s first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats. Read the rest of this entry »
Like all religions, the Faith of the Invisible Pink Unicorns is based upon both logic and faith. We have faith that they are pink; We logically know that they are invisible because we can’t see them.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich. Read the rest of this entry »
In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And Satan said, “It doesn’t get any better than this.”
And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. And God said, “Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit,” and God saw that it was good.
Read the rest of this entry »
I am definitely against giving cats the vote or letting them have driver’s licenses. Especially undocumented ones. And these days an election can be won by a whisker.
The pupils of the Tendai school used to study meditation before Zen entered Japan. Four of them who were intimate friends promised one another to observe seven days of silence.
On the first day all were silent. Their meditation had begun auspiciously, but when night came and the oil lamps were growing dim, one of the pupils could not help exclaiming to a servant: “Fix those lamps.” Read the rest of this entry »
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Guilty or not guilty – you be the judge. Read the rest of this entry »
A woman, renewing her driver’s license at the County Clerk’s office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
“What I mean is,” explained the recorder, “do you have a job or are you just a… ?” Read the rest of this entry »
Hello- This is your Mother!
If you want my advice: PRESS 1 Read the rest of this entry »
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. Read the rest of this entry »
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe two-and-a-half years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Read the rest of this entry »
The General on a spot inspection found that 10 marines were missing and have not returned from their weekly furlough. Finally, one marine ran up, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran ten miles, and now I’m here.” Read the rest of this entry »
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail. Read the rest of this entry »
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?”
“Certainly not,” said the Priest. “As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it.” Read the rest of this entry »
A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang “Happy Birthday” to him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
“Don’t let it bother you,” said a strange but amused voice. “You folks need all the practice you can get.”
A young boy of four was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed. He told his playmates that he’ll be gone for a while to have a surgery.
On the day he was admitted his mother asked the doctor if would please circumcise the boy, since he’s already going to be under anesthesia. The doctor complied. Read the rest of this entry »
The basketball coach stormed into the university President’s office and demanded a raise right then and there.
“Please,” protested the college President, “you already make more than the entire History department.”
“Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” the coach blustered. “Look, I’ll give you an example.” Read the rest of this entry »
Rule 1: Live to relax!
Rule 2: Love your bed, it is your temple! Read the rest of this entry »
Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store, painted on the ground at a crosswalk in letters 4 foot tall:
A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly. Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance. Read the rest of this entry »
A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband’s car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend, “Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband’s home early!” Read the rest of this entry »
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asks sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replies, “in-laws.”
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer’s field. The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians. Read the rest of this entry »
A lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. “Hello mate,” says St. Peter, “I’m sorry, no lawyers in heaven.”
“What?” exclaims the man, astonished. Read the rest of this entry »
Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. “What’s going on here, anyway?” he asked.
“This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!” one of the crowd responded. Read the rest of this entry »
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read: Read the rest of this entry »
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.
“Why, my outfit was so well drilled,” declared one, “that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.” Read the rest of this entry »
Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following: Read the rest of this entry »
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. Read the rest of this entry »
People who do very unusual jobs: the man who counts then number of people at public gatherings.
MILES KINGTON writing in The Observer, 3 November 1986
Read the rest of this entry »
The members of a leading and prominent family decided to put together a book of their family history.
They wanted a thoroughly professional job, so they hired an experienced biographer to research and write it. They warned him there’d be one problem – Uncle Willie, the black sheep of the family, who had gone to the electric chair for murder. Read the rest of this entry »
Logic: If your car is stolen, there’s a 10 percent chance it was nicked by a polar bear. Read the rest of this entry »
Investigators at a major U.S. research university recently discovered the heaviest element known to science. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. Read the rest of this entry »
What’s the difference between a dry cleaner and a lawyer?
If the dry cleaner loses your suit, he’ll pay you. If the lawyer loses your suit, you’ll still get taken to the cleaners.
There has been innumerable entries on the idiosyncrasies of English when it comes to grammar, tense and plurality. This one simply is the best! Read the rest of this entry »
The Devil was constantly challenging St Peter to a game of soccer, but St Peter refused, until one day while walking around’ heaven he discovered that quite a number of international footballers had entered the ‘pearly gates’. Read the rest of this entry »
If you can understand this, you have to be a genius. Even if you do not understand, you have to be an utter moron not to feel a tiny tickle somewhere deep down. Read the rest of this entry »
A woman was reading a newspaper one morning and said to her husband,
“Look at this, dear. There’s an article here about a man who traded his wife for a season ticket to Arsenal. You wouldn’t do a thing like that, would you?”
“Of course I wouldn’t!” replied her husband. “The season’s almost over!”
The following is a true story.
Last week I walked into a local “home style cookin’ restaurant/watering hole” to pick up a take out order. I spoke briefly to the waitress behind the counter, who told me my order would be done in a few minutes. Read the rest of this entry »
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up. Read the rest of this entry »
A man was on holiday in a foreign countryside. While on a long walk down the country road he became very thirsty and knocked on the door of the nearest house for something to drink. Read the rest of this entry »
Kimo is a bus driver for the Honolulu Transit Company. One day, as he is headed for work with his bus, he comes across a delivery van stranded on the side of the road. The van driver, who works for the Honolulu Zoo, pleads with Kimo to do him a favor. Read the rest of this entry »
“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”
“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!” Read the rest of this entry »
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent. Read the rest of this entry »
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she charged. Read the rest of this entry »
If it rings, put it on hold.
If it clanks, call the repairman.
If it whistles, ignore it.
If it’s a friend, take a break.
If it’s the boss, look busy.
If it talks, take notes.
If it’s handwritten, type it.
If it’s typed, copy it.
If it’s copied, file it.
If it’s Friday, forget it!
Joe was trying to lead a horse in the street, but was having much trouble getting the horse’s cooperation. A passerby stopped and asked if he could help. Joe was grateful and gladly accepted. Read the rest of this entry »
Yet another conversation between customer and tech-support: Read the rest of this entry »
A man is sitting next to the window in an airliner, which is about to take off, when another man with a Labrador Retriever sits down in the two empty seats alongside him. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. Read the rest of this entry »
A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. “You see,” he explained, “my wife’s expecting.”
“Oh …” said the officer, “I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck.” Read the rest of this entry »
Three statisticians went out hunting, and came across a large deer.
The first statistician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left.
The second statistician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right.
The third statistician didn’t fire, but shouted in triumph, “On the average we got it!”
“Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What’s more, he only speaks a few words of English.”
The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, “How much English can you speak?”
The defendant looked up and said, “Give me your wallet!”
The top scorer of a Premier League team was tragically killed in a car accident. Seeing an opportunity for glory, the reserve striker went to see the manager. Read the rest of this entry »
A conversation between a hell raiser son and his dad: Read the rest of this entry »
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?” Read the rest of this entry »
An older couple were lying in bed after an evening celebrating there 50th Wedding Anniversary. The husband was falling asleep,but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. Read the rest of this entry »
My mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc.
I have come up with a solution:
I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They’re plentiful and cheaper than buying gas.
God Bless America!!
I think the life cycle is all backwards. Read the rest of this entry »
With such a large selection of programming languages it can be difficult to choose one for a particular project. Reading the manuals to evaluate the languages is a time consuming process. On the other hand, most people already have a fairly good idea of how various automobiles compare. So in order to assist those trying to choose a language, we have prepared a chart that matches programming languages with comparable automobiles. Read the rest of this entry »
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.
“No woman,” said one man, scornfully, “can keep a secret.” Read the rest of this entry »
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. Read the rest of this entry »
A scientist in Australia has invented a bra which offers more support and prevents a woman’s breasts from bouncing up and down.
After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside and beaten up by a large group of men.
“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.
“Yes sir,” the new employee replied.
“Well then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she dropped by to see you.”
There was an old lady who would come out every morning on the steps of her front porch, raise her arms to the sky, and shout, “Praise the Lord!”
Well, one day, an atheist moved into the house next door. Over time, he became irritated at the old lady. So, every morning he would step out onto his front porch and yell after her, “There is no Lord!” Read the rest of this entry »
This Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.
“So, what did you name the ranch?” asked his best friend when he flew out to visit. Read the rest of this entry »
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. Read the rest of this entry »
Three old men are in a retirement home. They were a somewhat grumpy bunch, as old men are prone to become, and after several years of living in the retirement home, they had come accustomed to spending the day complaining about everything from the weather to the odd smell of their respective nurses. On this particular day, they begin a graphic complaint session about their excretion processes. Read the rest of this entry »
An American visitor to England watched his very first football match and was struck by the differences between English and American football. Read the rest of this entry »
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, payed me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows 95 on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows 95 CD. Read the rest of this entry »
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart’s wife goes into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor is called out to assist in the delivery. Read the rest of this entry »
[Related: Selecting a Programming Language]
Warning: This list may be offensive to ardent feminists. Read the rest of this entry »
Tired of a listless sex life, John finally came right out with his wife during a recent lovemaking session.
“How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?” he asked.
His wife glanced at him and casually replied, “I would have dear, but you’re never home!”
Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about. Read the rest of this entry »
After a visit to the doctor, Joe Bloggs, the city team’s centre forward dropped in to his local pub for a quick one. Read the rest of this entry »
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs. Read the rest of this entry »
A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon load of corn. A farmer, who lived nearby, heard the noise and yelled to the boy, “Hey, Willis, forget your troubles and come in for a visit. I’ll help you pick the wagon up later.” Read the rest of this entry »
Wife to Husband: The doctor advised me bed rest for one month in a beautiful foreign country. So where will we go?
Husband: We will go to a new doctor.
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Read the rest of this entry »
Once upon a time leadership mattered, now dealership rules the world. Read the rest of this entry »
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here’s a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%? Read the rest of this entry »
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere.” he pleaded. “Or just a bed – I don’t care where.” Read the rest of this entry »
Below are the typical areas of a resume and my priceless secrets for dealing with them. These tips will help crush the competition, get you in the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus bonus. Read the rest of this entry »
These are actual quotes taken from federal government employee performance evaluations. Read the rest of this entry »
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African ‘bush tribe’ whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Read the rest of this entry »
“Can I help you get a size?”
(Don’t touch that, I just spent an hour folding it and I don’t need your hands messing it up again.) Read the rest of this entry »
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Read the rest of this entry »
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror.
He asks, “What are you doing?” Read the rest of this entry »
IBM just announced the new Roadrunner computer. It is twice as fast as the previous record holder at 1000 trillion operations per second.
In fact, it is so fast that when they run Windows on it, it crashes before it is booted.
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. She’s dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy t-shirt with holes in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails. When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing. Read the rest of this entry »
A man was telling his friends, “When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her.” Read the rest of this entry »
Most of the Web content comprises of pornography and humor. If the Internet is a manifestation of collective intelligence, does that make us a bunch of jolly fcukers? Enjoy your stay on the Funny Planet …
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