A Drink for the Ballerina

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed; “Give the ballerina a drink!”

English Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences – no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

The Stewed Parrot

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, “And why don’t you get me a whiskey you bitch.”

Doctor’s Orders

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it,”He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Unintended Consequences

Joe is telling his pal Rick his troubles:

“You know that new girl at work, the one I’ve been wanting to ask out?” he asks.

“Yeah, what about her?” Rick replies.

“Well, every time I see her, I get an instant erection, and have to

turn away to hide it.”

“That’s rough.  Why don’t you try taping your dick to your leg … then it won’t

show?” Rick suggests.

Joe agrees this is a great idea; Rick even loans him a roll of duct tape.

A few days later, they meet again:

“Well, I called her and asked her out, and she said yes,” Joe reports.

“That’s great!”

“So I get to her house, walk up to her door, and she answers it wearing a short,

sheer dress.”

“Great!  How’d it go?”

Joe slumps down in his chair.  ”I kicked her in the face.”

Joe is telling his pal Rick his troubles: ”You know that new girl at work, the one I’ve been wanting to ask out?” he asks.

“Yeah, what about her?” Rick replies.

Take my Advice

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home
late, no matter how she tried to stop him. “Take my advice,” said the
neighbour, “and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o’clock in
the morning, and from my bed, I called out :’Is that you, Jim ?’ And that
cured him.” “Cured him!” asked the woman, “but how ?” The neighbour said,
“You see, his name is Bill.”

The New Driver

Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

Notice on a Public Bus

Notice on a public bus Florida.
“When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.”
“If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you.”

The Way Engineers Think

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Bill “Pearly” Gates

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They’re up in heaven, and God’s sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. “Al, what do you believe in?”

Al replied, “well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we’ll all die.”

You Got Twins

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

Choco Nuts

A man was visiting his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Yum Yum

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?

Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!

Rank Has Its Priviledges

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

At the Stables

Some race horses are holed in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!”

Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!!”

Witness at the Stand

With the blonde on the witness stand the attorney opened his questioning. “Where were you the night of August 24th?”

“Objection! Irrelevant!” cried the other lawyer.

Carrier Humor

A Navy officer was cutting through the crew’s quarters of his carrier one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him.

“Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?” the officer demanded.

Fairy Tale

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

But this was a long time ago and it was just that one day.

Lash Out Your Partner

You love someone. You marry someone else. The one you marry becomes your wife or husband. And the one you loved becomes the password of your mail id.

The Economic Stimulus Bill

This week The Chancellor of Exchequer will allow each one of us to get a tax rebate. If we spend that money at Tesco, most of the money will go to China , if we spend it on petrol it will all go to the Arabs, if we spend it on new computers all the money will go to India for tech support and none will help the British economy.

The way I see it, we need to keep that money here in United Kingdom, so the only way I can see to keep that money here at home is drink beer or spend it on prostitution, those are the only businesses still in the U.K.

Age Fabrication

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She’s down to her last $50.  Exasperated, she exclaims, “Only bad luck! What in the world should I do now?”

What is it?

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. “Good heavens,” he said, “what is this?”

“Why, it’s bean soup,” she replied.

“I don’t care what it has been,” he sputtered. “What is it now?”

Idiot Sightings

My husband and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a “large” enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, “Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.” I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, “NO, it’s not. Four is larger than two.” We haven’t used Sears repair since.