Missing Dog

Missing: Three-legged dog

Distinguishing feature: Falls over when it pisses.

Undercolors

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.

One day, they heard, “yellow, blue, black.”

Another Thirsty Horse

This guy rides into town on his horse and heads straight for the saloon. He goes to the bartender, hands him a pail, and says, “I’d like a martini that’ll fill this bucket.”

The bartender says, “You could never drink a martini that size!”

Bad People Manners

“I think your dog likes me, Doris. He hasn’t taken his eyes off me all night.”

“That’s because you are eating off his plate.”

The Stewed Parrot

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, “And why don’t you get me a whiskey you bitch.”

At the Stables

Some race horses are holed in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!”

Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!!”

Dancing Duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.

The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Cat Vote

I am definitely against giving cats the vote or letting them have driver’s licenses. Especially undocumented ones. And these days an election can be won by a whisker.

The Family Dog

If you can understand this, you have to be a genius. Even if you do not understand, you have to be an utter moron not to feel a tiny tickle somewhere deep down.

Penguins to the Zoo

Kimo is a bus driver for the Honolulu Transit Company. One day, as he is headed for work with his bus, he comes across a delivery van stranded on the side of the road. The van driver, who works for the Honolulu Zoo, pleads with Kimo to do him a favor.