Doctor’s Orders

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it,”He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

You Got Twins

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

Idiot Sightings

My husband and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a “large” enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, “Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.” I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, “NO, it’s not. Four is larger than two.” We haven’t used Sears repair since.

Red Ears

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears.

“I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang – but instead of picking up the phone I accidently picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.”

Accident Reports

Many have experienced the confusion of traffic accidents and have had to summerize correctly what happened in a few words or less on insurance or accident forms. The following quotes were taken from those forms and were eventually published in the Toronto SunPaper.

Home Shopping

Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models. Ole says to Sven, “Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?”

Top Ten Blonde Inventions

1. The water-proof towel.
2. Glow in the dark sunglasses.
3. Solar powered flashlights.
4. Submarine screen doors.
5. A book on how to read.
6. Inflatable dart boards.
7. A dictionary index.
8. Pedal powered wheel chairs.
9. Water proof tea bags.
10. Zero proof alcohol.