A Drink for the Ballerina

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed; “Give the ballerina a drink!”

Beer Contains Female Hormones

Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

Deaf Drunk

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?”

Death by Drowning

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.”

“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”

Strings at the Bar

These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, “So what’ll it be?”

The first string says, “I think I’ll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu”

“Please excuse my friend,” the second string says, “He isn’t null-terminated.”

Guzzling Personality

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Signs That You Are Too Drunk

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Anglo Drinkers

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverages, three flies flew up and one landed in each pint, getting stuck in the thick head.

Blowing Chunks

Three guys are sitting in the pub with hangovers from the night before.

The first guy says “I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning with my pajamas on over my clothes!”

Moving the Furniture

A well off young man was moving from one street to another, a few streets away.

Can’t You Read?

Three guys are walking home drunk. As they pass a graveyard one says, “Look at this guy — he lived to be 85 years old.” The other says, “Oh yeah? This guy lived to be 95.” Then the third one says, “Well, this guy lived to be 230!!”

“Wow! What’s his name?” the other two ask.

“Miles to New York,” he replies.

Sex with Mom

Three guys are sitting in a bar, another guy walks in and points to the guy in the middle and says, “Hey you! I just screwed your mom and it was soooo great!”

Drunken Stupa

There is man sitting in a bar who is really, really drunk. When the bar closes he gets up to go home.

Drunks from Ireland

“Can I buy you a drink?” said one drunk to another.

“Sure,” came the reply.

Ten Pints

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”