Elephant Scare

A rather inebriated fellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into tinypieces and throwing them out the window.

“Excuse me,” said the woman sitting next to him. “But, would you mind explaining why you’re doing this?”

Another Thirsty Horse

This guy rides into town on his horse and heads straight for the saloon. He goes to the bartender, hands him a pail, and says, “I’d like a martini that’ll fill this bucket.”

The bartender says, “You could never drink a martini that size!”

A Drink for the Ballerina

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed; “Give the ballerina a drink!”

Beer Contains Female Hormones

Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

Deaf Drunk

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?”

Death by Drowning

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.”

“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”

Strings at the Bar

These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, “So what’ll it be?”

The first string says, “I think I’ll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu”

“Please excuse my friend,” the second string says, “He isn’t null-terminated.”

Guzzling Personality

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Signs That You Are Too Drunk

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Anglo Drinkers

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverages, three flies flew up and one landed in each pint, getting stuck in the thick head.