A married couple was watching the show, “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” At the end of the show, the man said to his wife, “I think we will have an early night.”

She answered, “Okay, but when I get to bed I am going straight to sleep.”

And he said, “Is that you final answer?”

She replied, “Yes.”

He said, “Okay, then I’m going to phone a friend.”

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

“What’s the matter?” asked his wife. “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.”

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed; “Give the ballerina a drink!”

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked; “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said: “Give the ballerina another drink!”

The bartender approached the little drunk and said; “I say, old chap, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?”

The drunk replied; “Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!”

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences – no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness’s. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, “I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.”

“I’m very sorry, officer,” replies the American, “but I really, really have to go, and I just can’t find a public restroom.”

“Ah, yes,” said the bobby. “Just follow me”. He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

“In there,” points the bobby. “Whiz away sir, anywhere you like.”

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman’s blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby “That was really decent of you… is that what you call English hospitality?”

“No sir” replied the bobby, “that is what we call the French Embassy.”

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, “And why don’t you get me a whiskey you bitch.”

The stewardess, flustered by the parrot’s outburst, brings back a whiskey for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man’s cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, “And get me another whiskey you slut.”

Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot’s whiskey but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, “I’ve asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now or I’m going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours.”

Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says:

“For someone who can’t fly, you sure are a lippy bastard.”

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it,”He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?”

He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?”

The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.”

Came the reply, “Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you’re down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”

Joe is telling his pal Rick his troubles: ”You know that new girl at work, the one I’ve been wanting to ask out?” he asks.

“Yeah, what about her?” Rick replies.

“Well, every time I see her, I get an instant erection, and have to turn away to hide it.”

“That’s rough.  Why don’t you try taping your dick to your leg … then it won’t show?” Rick suggests.

Joe agrees this is a great idea; Rick even loans him a roll of duct tape.

A few days later, they meet again:

“Well, I called her and asked her out, and she said yes,” Joe reports.

“That’s great!”

“So I get to her house, walk up to her door, and she answers it wearing a short, sheer dress.”

“Great!  How’d it go?”

Joe slumps down in his chair.  ”I kicked her in the face.”

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home
late, no matter how she tried to stop him. “Take my advice,” said the
neighbour, “and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o’clock in
the morning, and from my bed, I called out :’Is that you, Jim ?’ And that
cured him.” “Cured him!” asked the woman, “but how ?” The neighbour said,
“You see, his name is Bill.”

Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” says the beaming boy to his father.

“Nope,” comes dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years.”

Notice on a public bus Florida.
“When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.”
“If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you.”

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don’t know but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let’s have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow aren’t they?

George: Oh yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can’t these guys play at night?

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They’re up in heaven, and God’s sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. “Al, what do you believe in?”

Al replied, “well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we’ll all die.”

God thinks for a second and says, “okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left.”

God then addresses Bill Clinton. “Bill, what do you believe in?”

Bill Clinton replies, “Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling peoples’ pain.”

God thinks for a second and says, “okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.”

God then addresses Bill Gates; “Bill Gates, what do you believe in?”

Bill Gates says, “I believe you’re in my chair.”

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said,

“All right, who’s the other father?!”

A man was visiting his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. “I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!”

“That’s okay, dearie,” the aunt replied. “After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway.”

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?

Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!

Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?

Johnny: It’s because I saw one on daddy’s lettuce, but now it’s gone.

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

“Your jeep stuck sir?” asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

“Nope,” replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, “Yours is.”

Some race horses are holed in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!”

Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!!” “Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!”, says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!”

The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog.”

With the blonde on the witness stand the attorney opened his questioning. “Where were you the night of August 24th?”

“Objection! Irrelevant!” cried the other lawyer.

“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the stand. “I don’t mind answering the question.”

“I object!” the lawyer said again.

“No, really,” said the blonde. “I’ll answer.”

The judge ruled, “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”

So the attorney repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”

“I don’t know!”

A Navy officer was cutting through the crew’s quarters of his carrier one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him.

“Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?” the officer demanded.“No, sir, but it’s not the same thing, is it?”

“What do you mean, ‘not the same’?”

“Well, we don’t land airplanes on our roof at home either!”

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

But this was a long time ago and it was just that one day.