The polocks were throwin firecrackers at the niggers, so the niggers were pickin em up and lightin em and throwin em back.

PM: I’m sick to death of all the negativity around Iraq. It’s all bad, bad, bad. Never. Do we read any of the good news. I mean. We’ve got rid of an awful dictator. We made him put his weapons of destruction so far out of reach it was like they never existed.

Drone1: What are you saying, Tony?

PM: I’m saying that it’s time we put across the good news from Iraq. Let’s take the initiative for once. No more reacting to bad news defensively.

Drone2: Is it initiative with a capital I? Or is it a lower-case initiative?

Drone1: We’ve had four new initiatives this month. We’ve got two more scheduled for next month.

PM: Does that mean we’ve achieved our initiative targets?

Drone1: Yes, Tony. Exceeded the target in fact.

PM: Hell, and they say we’re a lame duck government. It’s sickening. We lead the world in Initiatives and do we get any credit for it?

Drone2: How about commissioning a report?

Drone1: Is that an upper-case ‘Report’ or a lower-case ‘report’?

PM: What have we got?

Drone2: I think we’re all commissioned out at the moment. Gordon’s been bitching about this again. Says we can’t take on any more special advisors for doing reports until he’s in the hot seat himself.

PM: Bastard. OK. No Initiative. No Report. I still think we need to get on the case. How about… A major international conference?

Drone2: Excellent idea. I think there’s a slot in a couple of weeks.

PM: And if we take that slot what does that do for our target?

Drone1: Puts us over the target in international conferences as well.

PM: Excellent. World class. So. What is the good news from Iraq?

Drone2: Sorry, Tony? I don’t quite follow…

PM: I want us to lead on some strong news. We need to show the world that my Iraq policy has been a success. So, what do we have?

Drone1: Er….

Drone2: Ah….

PM: Come on. You’re not going to tell me it’s all bad? Look at the NHS. It’s so much better than it used to be. They meet their targets often enough. It’s a perception thing.

Drone1: Got you, Tony. Got you. OK. How’s this. Increased social mobility.

PM: I like that. What’s the story.

Drone1: Well, under Saddam people weren’t free. Now, under a stable and popular democratic regime people are free to move around as they wish. All over Iraq people are on the move – in fact whole communities are moving en-masse, actively encouraged by their neighbours usually.

Drone2: That’s good. I’ve got one too. Education.

PM: I like the sound of this.

Drone2: Under Saddam education was nothing but force-fed propaganda and indoctrination. Now, under the popularly elected government education is free. Particularly faith-based education. There’s been a lot of growth in faith-based education, a lot.

Drone1: Yes, explosive growth in fact.

PM: Excellent.

Drone2: Industry? We need something on that too, I would think.

PM: Very true. We need to show how democracy has made the population more prosperous.

Drone1: The private security industry’s really taken off….

Drone2: The association of small arms dealers is doing well….

Drone1: Funeral and mortuary services are showing phenomenal expansion…

PM: Hmm. Let’s just stick to the good news on mobility and education for now.

Well, for example, the other day, Bev my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, ‘Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an “asshole”. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Bev called him a “shithead”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s important at our age.

“Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.”

Is everybody clear on that?

I said “You’re pulling my leg.”

“I’m afraid he died last week.” she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. “I told you,” the wife replies, “he died last week.”

The next day he calls again and once more asks to Speak to his boss.

By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, “I’VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?”

He replied laughing, “Because I just love hearing it.”

However, she remembers that her boss told her not to reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her.

After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, “I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara.”

The African king pauses for awhile. Then he nods his head and says, “No problem! I have. I have.”

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, “I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. And as a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France.”

The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, “Okay, okay. I build. I build.”

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she’d better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, “Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis.”

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, “Okay, okay. I cut. I cut.”

Grandma asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?” Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

“Why, that’s awfully nice of them. I think I’ll get some for myself”, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”

Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry.”

The policeman fainted.

Boy: “Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?”

Woman on the phone: “I already have someone to cut my lawn.”

“Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now.”

The woman responded that she was very satisfied with the person who was presently cutting her lawn.

Boy: “Lady, I’ll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in the whole neighborhood.”

Again the woman answered in the negative. With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver.

The druggist, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy and said, “Son, I like your attitude. I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job.”

The little boy replied, “No thanks. I was just checking on the jobs I already have!”

Moral of the Story: Always do your self-appraisal.

But we didn’t use them”, the Sardarji complains.

Well, they are here, and you could have,” explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.

But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” sardarji complains again.

“Well, we have them, and you could have”, the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the sardarji replies “But we didn’t use it”. The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the Sardarji finally gives up and agrees to pay.  He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when the looks at the check. “But sir,” he says, “this check is only made out for $100.” “That’s right,” says the sardarji, “I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.”

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.

“Well,” the Sardarji replies, “she was here, and you could have.”

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment and turned on the switch. Everything was automatic and he soon realized that the equipment provided him with more pleasure than his wife did.
When the fun was over, though, the farmer quickly realized that he couldn’t remove the instrument from his penis. With his discomfort building, he read the manual but didn’t find any useful information. He then tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier’s Customer Service Hot Line. “Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastically, but how do I remove it from the cow’s udder? I… I mean the cow seems to be in a lot of pain.”

“Don’t worry,” replied the customer service rep, “the machine was programmed to release automatically once it’s collected two gallons of milk.”

Distinguishing feature: Falls over when it pisses.

And the Germans asked, “what are Commandments?”

And the Lord said, “Rules for living.”

“Can you give us an example?”

“Thou shalt not kill.”

“Not kill? We’re not interested.”

So He went to the Italians and said, “I have Commandments.”

And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, “Thou shalt not steal.”

“Not steal? We’re not interested.”

He went to the French and said, “I have Commandments.”

The French wanted an example and the Lord said, “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife.”

“Not covet my neighbor’s wife? We’re not interested.”

He went to the Jews and said, “I have Commandments.”

“Commandments? How much are they?”

“They’re free.”

“Good then, we’ll take 10!”

The first guy chooses the electric chair. Boom!! He’s gone.

The second guy chooses to be hanged. He also goes.

The third guy chooses the firing squad. The first bullet fired kills him.

The fourth guy chooses the HIV virus.

A bottle full of the virus is injected to his veins. He walks smiling to his cellar and, pointing at the prison officials he tells his cellmates,

“Those people don’t know that I am wearing a condom.”

“But it’s not long until June, dear,” The cautious groom-to-be replied .

“Oh,” she exclaimed. “And how long will it be in June, you think?”

The kid said, “Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas.”

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

“How many sales did you make today?”

The young man replied without hesitating, “One.”

The boss said, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”

The kid said, “$101,237.64.”

The boss said, “$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!”

the kid said, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Blazer.”

Amazed, the boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?”

“No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, ‘Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.’”

The hot dog vendor nods and says, “That’ll be three bucks.”

The Dali Lama gives him a $5 bill, and gets a hot dog in exchange. Noticing that’s all he gets, he asks, “Where’s my change?”

The hot dog vendor replies, “Change only comes from within.”

He looked up from his newspaper and said, “Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.”

“She said, “Yes, that’s right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?”

He nodded and said, “Yes dear, I still remember.”

“Well, what was it?” she asked.

He was not much in the mood for this, but he sighed and responded, “Well, honey, as I remember, I said, ‘Oh, baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.’”

She giggled and said, “Yes, dear,that’s it. That’s exactly what you said. So now it’s fifty years later, and I’m in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?”

He looked her up and down and replied, “Mission accomplished.”

Vladimir: “Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?”

Vito: “Well, I’ll tell ya! But it’s a secret … just between you and me. I don’t want my system to become too public.”

Vladimir: “OK. It’s a deal.”

Vito: “You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my pants. When the women see it, they come running from miles around.”

Vladimir: “That’s it? I can do that.”

The next day, Vladimir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedo. As he walked out onto the beach, he immediately noticed that women and men began to notice of him. “It’s working, he thought.” But soon he began to realize that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him.

He rushed over to Vito and asked, “Vito, what’s the problem? Why isn’t it working?”

Vito: “Because you’re supposed to put the potato in the FRONT!”