Why I Fired my Secretary

I woke up early feeling a little depressed, because it was my birthday and I thought, “another year older,” but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say, “Happy Birthday, dear.”

You Got me Pregnant!

Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly check-up. When it was finished, she asked her gynecologist how everything was. He said he was pleased and that she was in great shape, and that she was pregnant.

Sorry, Mr. Sam

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

Marathon Runner

A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband’s car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend, “Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband’s home early!”

Missed the Moment

Tired of a listless sex life, John finally came right out with his wife during a recent lovemaking session.

“How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?” he asked.

His wife glanced at him and casually replied, “I would have dear, but you’re never home!”

Fatherhood Problems

“You looked troubled,” I told my friend, “what’s your problem?”

He replied, “I’m going to be a father.”

“But that’s wonderful,” I said.

“What’s wonderful? My wife doesn’t know about it yet.”

My Dad Has Two of Them

A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex education to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, “Does anyone know what this is?”

MailMan

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.

Predicted Period

A newly wed settled in an apartment and husband started his job. He came back from the work in the evening and noticed his sexy wife was missing. He started searching, phoned all friends and acquaintances, drove all around but no success.

Small World

Two guys are playing golf. The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men down.

Sex Life Problems

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn’t seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.

Second Opinion

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, “You aren’t that good in bed either!”

Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

Dumb Husband

A man arrives home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

Stupid Wives

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.