Category Archives: Animal Crackers

Missing Dog

Missing: Three-legged dog

Distinguishing feature: Falls over when it pisses.

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Undercolors

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.

One day, they heard, “yellow, blue, black.”

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Another Thirsty Horse

This guy rides into town on his horse and heads straight for the saloon. He goes to the bartender, hands him a pail, and says, “I’d like a martini that’ll fill this bucket.”

The bartender says, “You could never drink a martini that size!” Continue reading

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Bad People Manners

“I think your dog likes me, Doris. He hasn’t taken his eyes off me all night.”

“That’s because you are eating off his plate.”

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The Stewed Parrot

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, “And why don’t you get me a whiskey you bitch.” Continue reading

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At the Stables

Some race horses are holed in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!”

Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!!” Continue reading

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Dancing Duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.

The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Continue reading

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Cat Vote

I am definitely against giving cats the vote or letting them have driver’s licenses. Especially undocumented ones. And these days an election can be won by a whisker.

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The Family Dog

If you can understand this, you have to be a genius. Even if you do not understand, you have to be an utter moron not to feel a tiny tickle somewhere deep down. Continue reading

Penguins to the Zoo

Kimo is a bus driver for the Honolulu Transit Company. One day, as he is headed for work with his bus, he comes across a delivery van stranded on the side of the road. The van driver, who works for the Honolulu Zoo, pleads with Kimo to do him a favor. Continue reading