Category Archives: Life is Like That

Importance of Capitalization

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I’ve noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capitalization. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement.

“Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.”

Is everybody clear on that?

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Words That Don’t Exist, But Really Should

AQUADEXTROUS – Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.

CARPERPETUATION – The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. Continue reading

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Complicated Order

A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said, “I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it’s runny, and the other so over cooked it’s tough and hard to eat. Also grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it’s impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm.” Continue reading

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Two Stranded Lawyers

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food. And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, “Wow. I can’t believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction.”

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, “I think you’re hallucinating and you should come down right now.” Continue reading

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What a Way to Go

There are two guys in a bar. One says, “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead!”

“Whoa, what the heck happened to him?” asks the other guy.

“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.” Continue reading

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Notice on a Public Bus

Notice on a public bus Florida.
“When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.”
“If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you.”

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Rules for Name Calling

Then it’s time I introduce you to the fine art of name calling.

Lesson #1: If you aren’t a fast runner, it helps to call someone names in a foreign language.

Lesson #2: Make sure they don’t speak said language. This really should be Lesson #1.

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Beer and Ice-cream Diet

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat. Continue reading

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I Say …

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative. Continue reading

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Stupidity in Other Words

The following are a few of the politically correct ways to say someone is stupid: Continue reading

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