A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, “Anthony proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a Hell!”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
A man and his wife were driving home one cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?” Continue reading
On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband and said “Honey, do your remember this?”
He looked up from his newspaper and said, “Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.” Continue reading
The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.
They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. Continue reading
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he’s reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of him. Continue reading
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
“What’s the matter, dear?”, she whispers as she steps into the room, “Why are you down here at this time of night?” Continue reading
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, “Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!” Continue reading
What is the difference between a watch and a wife?
When a watch malfunctions, it stops. Wife, when she malfunctions, boy it just starts.
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, “Honey, 25 years ago, We had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a young beautiful 25 year old blond.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and 50″ plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.” Continue reading
When I was a kid I said to my Father one afternoon, “Will you take me to the zoo?”
He answered, “If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.”
— Jerry Lewis
The Funny Planet 