Tag Archives: drunk

Elephant Scare

A rather inebriated fellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into tinypieces and throwing them out the window.

“Excuse me,” said the woman sitting next to him. “But, would you mind explaining why you’re doing this?” Continue reading

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A Drink for the Ballerina

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed; “Give the ballerina a drink!” Continue reading

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English Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences – no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. Continue reading

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Deaf Drunk

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?” Continue reading

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Death by Drowning

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.”

“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?” Continue reading

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Signs That You Are Too Drunk

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Continue reading

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Blowing Chunks

Three guys are sitting in the pub with hangovers from the night before.

The first guy says “I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning with my pajamas on over my clothes!” Continue reading

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Moving the Furniture

A well off young man was moving from one street to another, a few streets away. Continue reading

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